Twas the Night Before : A Mock Effect Christmas
by ClintJohnston25
Summary: By now, I assume you're familiar with the characters of the "Mock Effect" Universe.  If not, please go to  and read the original by Mister Buch.  This story is a brief interlude with a holiday theme.  Enjoy!


**MOCK EFFECT 2**

"**T'Was the Night Before" A Mock Effect Christmas Special**

**INT: NORMANDY: SHUTTLE BAY**

_(JANE SHEPARD opens the airlock doors to reveal LIARA T'SONI. JANE smiles and approaches her)_

JANE: I'm so glad you could make it, Liara!

LIARA: Well I'm still constantly on the hunt for the Shadow Broker, but your invitation piqued my interest. A traditional human gathering, you say?

JANE: Absolutely! We're going to celebrate Christmas!

LIARA: Christmas? What is this about?

JANE: An old human celebration that we hold every earth winter. Here, put this on, then you'll be all set.

_(JANE hands LIARA a red cap with a white pommel at the end of it, then puts on one of her own.)_

LIARA: What is this?

JANE: It's a Santa hat. Based on the costume of a famous figure in human history. We're going to read about his origins in a moment.

LIARA: _(Putting on cap) _Well this sounds interesting.

_(They take the elevator up to the crew deck and then walk around the corner to the Chairless Meeting Room, which has been temporarily furnished with whatever benches could be scrounged up. The Crew, with similar ridiculous head gear, are seated around the room. Namely, MIRANDA LAWSON, JACOB TAYLOR, GARRUS VAKARIAN, URDNOT GRUNT, MORDIN SOLUS, KASUMI GOTO, SAMARA, KELLY CHAMBERS, JEFF "JOKER" MOREAU,TALI ZORAH NAR RAYYA, JACK AKA SUBJECT ZERO [the only one not wearing a Santa hat], THANE KRIOS, ZAEED MASSANI, & Jane's twin brother JOHN SHEPARD. In the center of the room, three holograms are also present. EDI, the Normandy's AI, CAPT. DAVID ANDERSON, the Shepards' old commanding officer, and THE ILLUSIVE MAN (Better known as TIM), a intergalactic terrorist and… regretfully, their present boss)_

TIM: Dr. T'Soni, how good of you to join us. I see Commander Shepard has already acquainted you with one of the many customs of the holiday.

LIARA: Yes, she was very nice to invite me. I'm afraid I can't stay long though. I must return to my single minded quest for vengeance.

CAPT. ANDERSON: Well, we're pleased you were able to stop by anyway.

LIARA: Does this holiday have anything to do with why the two of you are in the same room and not screaming at one another?

TIM: _(Sips brandy)_ It is known as a holiday of "peace on earth" as it were. Which seems antiquated now, but I'm willing to cooperate if Anderson will.

ANDERSON: Enough talk, let's get to the story. I remember hearing this read to me as a child.

JOHN: I want to read the shouting part!

JANE: Ok, John. But you have to wait until I give you the go ahead.

JOHN: Sweet! _(High fives a rather drunk JACOB)_

_(They take their seats and JANE starts off)_

JANE: I'll start. "'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;"

MIRANDA: "The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that St. Nicholson soon would be there;"

SAMARA: "The children were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;"

THANE: _(Envisioning the poem as a personal memory)_She was in a Kerchief. I, in my cap. Had just settled down - for a long winter's nap.

GRUNT: When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the bed with my shotgun to see what was the matter.

JANE: No, that's not how it goes!

GRUNT: He sprang out of bed to see what was the matter. Who wouldn't bring their shotgun?

JANE: This guy didn't!

GRUNT: Well, he was an idiot.

JACOB: _(Slurring and using dramatic hand gestures)_Away to the windowww I flew like a flash, torrrre open the shutters and threw up the sash!

KELLY: Like, the moon on the breast _(She giggles)_ of the you know, new-fallen snow. Gave the lou-straw of mid-day to like, the objects below.

JANE: That's Lustre. It means shine.

KELLY: Ohhhhhh.

JANE: Liara, why don't you try a line?

LIARA: "When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer." Shepard, what is a reindeer?

MIRANDA: _(Answers before JANE gets a chance)_ They're pack animals used by earthborn hunters. They can walk for days on the desert without water, but are also known for their swimming capability.

JANE: You are one confused person, Miranda…

_(Eager to continue, MORDIN interrupts)_

MORDIN: With miniscule aged chauffeur. Ebullient, nimble. Instantly apparent, this was anticipated caller.

JANE: That's not what it said!

MORDIN: Adjusted for clarity. Thought appropriate.

JANE: It didn't even rhyme! It's part of the culture, Mordin, you can't cut out the rhyme!

MORDIN: Culture important. Understood. "With miniscule aged chauffeur. Ebullient, nimbler. Instantly apparent, this was anticipated caller." Better?

JANE: _(Sigh)_ It'll do.

ZAEED: "More rapid than goddam eagles his coursers they came, and he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;" I got attacked by reindeer once. Me and this grandmother type. I was the only one to make it out alive.

_(There is a pause until JANE prompts JOHN to read his line)_

JOHN: Is this the yelling part? _(Stands up and shouts)_ "Now, DASHER! now, DANCER! now, PRANCER and VIXEN! On, COMET! on CUPID! on, DONDER and BLITZKRIEG! _(Sits down, quite pleased with himself)_

ANDERSON: To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!  
>Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"<p>

TIM: _(Sucks Cigarette, then reads slowly)_ As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, when they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.

JOKER: "So up to the house-top the coursers they flew, with the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholson too." Right. Flying reindeer? Better bring an umbrella!

EDI: Jeff, scatological humor is not appropriate here. According to my records, you are the 1 billionth person to make that joke.

JOKER: HA! Billion baby!

EDI: … this year.

JOKER: Well if you're so much better at it, you read a stanza!

EDI: I shall. "And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof  
>The prancing and pawing of each little hoof."<p>

KASUMI: "As I drew in my hand, and was turning around, down the chimney St. Nicholson came with a bound." _(Self assured)_ Actually, the chimney is not the best way to get into most homes. Better to pick the lock or use a cloak and walk in when they open the door for you. Soot does terrible things to cloaking fields.

GARRUS: "He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot, and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;" I wonder if he was an off duty sniper? Soot can be a cloak all in itself.

TALI: "A bundle of toys he had flung on his back, and he looked like a peddler just opening his pack." I had an uncle like this. I remember when he'd take me on his knee, and we'd sing my favorite song. I think it went something like -

JANE: _(Hastily) _Jack, why don't you read a line, you're the only one who hasn't had a turn!

JACK: I don't want to.

JANE: Oh come on. It's just a poem. It's the spirit of Christmas!

JACK: I'm F***ing Jewish, alright?

JANE: Oh…. Sorry. I didn't know. I'll read another. "His eyes - how they twinkled! his dimples how merry! His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!"

MIRANDA: "His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, and the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;"

THANE: _(Eyes still black, re-living)_ "A Stump of a pipe, held tight in his teeth, The smoke was circling his head like a wreath;"

KELLY: "He had, like, a broad face and, you know, a little round belly, that shook, like, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly."

JACOB: "He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, and I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;" _(Laughs hysterically, then passes out with his head on the table)_

GRUNT: "A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;" That's it? This guy trusts someone who's broken into his home because he winked at him? He would have been dead meat at my place.

TIM: Mr. Urdnot Grunt. _(Sucks smoke, mildly annoyed)_ I think we are all quite certain that should this benevolent figure ever approach Tuchanka, he and his retinue would be destroyed by your aerial batteries long before his generous mission could be completed.

GRUNT: _(Missing the racism entirely)_Damn right!

SAMARA: "He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, and filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk," I don't approve of his breaking and entering into this home, but his intentions seem honorable, even applaudable.

KASUMI: "And laying his finger aside of his nose, and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;" There's the other thing. It's very well getting down a chimney, but getting back up? You get stuck in there you are going to have a long night and awkward morning!

LIARA: I'll do another. "He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,  
>And away they all flew like the down of a thistle." Shepard, what is a thistle?<p>

ANDERSON: I'll field this one, Shepard. A thistle is a plant with very light seeds that float on the wind when they reproduce.

LIARA: _(Sincere) _Oh. How very fascinating.

JANE: "But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight," Let's everyone read the last line!

TOGETHER: HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL ...

JACK: And Happy Hannukah!

TOGETHER: AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!

ANDERSON: This story has been a revision of Clement C. Moore's "T'was the Night Before Christmas." The original can be found _(Smiles)_ at ALL good bookshops.


End file.
